Yearning Heart

So, my heart's hurting, and I'm questioning where I am in my walk with God, since I'm not really /walking/ anymore and I feel like I'm useless as a Christian due to comfortable apathy and yeaaaaahh I need prayer and stuff. Thanks. Also poem. Yay. 

It hurts, 

self-awareness.

I think that's why 

we love our distractions

our apathy

our pretty little lies

I think that's why I'm searching

I think that's why I yearn

I think it's why our love fades

why there's fear behind our eyes.

It hurts, 

self-awareness.

Hurts to know,

to realize

that your passion,

your resolve and dedication 

is only crumbled memory

I'm grasping, I'm clinging,

like a fool to broken ropes

not wanting to know

but still glowing with hope

Like embers in ashes

like a star in cityscape

the hope glows, but it's false;

I've lost what I once knew.

It hurts, 

self-awareness.

Dear God, my God

I'm still clutching 

at memories of you

and in the still moments, 

I ache to know again

But I can't 

at least not right away.

It's hurting, it's part of me, 

but it's dimming, and now...

Now I don't know where to start.