Gambling

...When you get what you wanted, 

but it's not what you want; you learn disappointment

the hard way. 

...Tried not to create 

expectations; predictions; illusions of 

grandeur... 

But you did.

...When you gamble contentment

for possible gain: take a chance, and find

you were wrong...

...Weigh the risks beside your hope, 

and in a moment of ill-advised 

courage, 

take a chance.

...When you trust in some variable;

exchange solid loam for a shot at the sky...

You might fall.

...Praying the stubs on your back are 

wings, not both'r'ing to test your 

hypothesis... 

Flutter, then crash!

...When you get what you wanted,

but it's not what you want, remember; learn better

for next time.

Flying too Close

Flip flap
little
soft

furry
wingéd
thing

Saw the sparks
from afar;
came to see

Flitter flutter
drawing
near...

So bright
-- it burns
so bright --

You've never
seen
such light

Flippy flop
nearer still
you venture

Beady eyes
aglow
from wonderment

It's all you see...
it's all you
want...

You need to
feel
its heat

-- A rush --
and you
let go

Flicker flash
-- you're in flames --
Silly moth. 

2:00am

Why am I

up at 2:00am

Pretending I'm perfectly

fine

Not daring to text you

but listening to music you like

Just the same. I mean,

it's not even my type

It just makes me feel like

you're here

I should be asleep but I'm 

wide awake; lights on 

I'm not tired, just exhausted 

from replaying memories of you

And smiling at all of the

weird things you used to say

Funny how

I can barely remember to breathe

But I can remember each tap 

of your agile musician's fingers

On the desk; tabletop; whatever 

surface was handy

And how all I wanted each time

was to reach for your hand with mine

But I didn't

and I won't...

'Cause I can't 

anymore. 

Crusty Eyes

It's slow,

reversing the curse 

which stole my sight.

...But, painfully, step by step 

the seal is removed...

In comes Light.

I wished so fiercely  

to defy harsh expectations

that I sacrificed my mind...

I hated the image

of "nice" and "easy" so much

that I burnt it up.

...And I pleaded so often 

for conscience to hush, that

I finally gave it away.

Now, as crusty cement is 

removed from my lids,

I see how far I've gone...

I realize how contaminated

my thought process is...

...Can I still be of any use? 

I see, now, I crossed a line 

from "strong," to "unfeeling."

Teach me to love as You.

Yet, lashes flutter; I feel a twinge; 

a voice long-hushed, now awake...

I'm re-learning to listen.

I see now how broken, how messed 

up, I am... And I long to be cured of that 

too; thrive once more.

...Only God can open eyes --

and yeah, I mean, it hurts -- But, 

it's such a relief to see again.

You Realize

You only realize mid swing
that you've just killed a man:
as his throat spurts red 'gainst your blade, and you feel the wetness of fresh-faded life on your cheeks
.../Then/ you realize it.

You only realize mid sentence
that you've crossed a line:
as her eyes flash with fury, and you feel the heat of her hurt turn to shame on your face... You stumble to finish your piece
...Yes you've realized too late.

You only realize mid flight
that you gave up too soon:
as the clouds swiftly shroud the landscape below, and your ears commence bursting from cacophonous engines... You've left him to raise her alone.
.../Then/ guilt hits you.

You only realize mid connection
that you chose the wrong girl:
as you lose ability to ignore her flaws, and see that you just don't work -- That maybe you were a bit too willing
to paint her as perfect with make-believe brushes
...You realize, yet you're too invested.

You only realize mid trip

that you've never liked "lonely..."
As you sit on hotel bed; knees curled to your chest, and the noise of the cabs and the car horns engulf you in meaningless sound... No one here knows you or cares
...That's when you realize your want.

You only realize mid walk
that you're distant and bitter:
as disillusionment spreads through your soul, eating your heart up like cancer... God is foreign: a language you once spoke; a lover you once loved
...You realize, and pray you're not lost.

It's funny how we live life oblivious... (Or, rather, it would be funny, if it weren't so distressing)... I wonder what blinds us to consequences: to the point where present moments are all that matters...
...I wonder... (When I'm not too distracted).

Stickers.

Elderly 

Southern

Low income

But she's kind, and funny...

Making me smile as it makes her day

to browse the Salvation Army.

-

Nerdy

Peculiar

Uncomfortable

He's hard to make sense of,

to talk to... But when he lets you in, 

he's bursting with brilliance and love.

-

Eighteen

Tanned

Short shorts

She seems shallow at first,

but under the airbrushed exterior

an impeccable soul longs to shine.

-

Camo

Carhartts

Blue jeans 

He's all drawl and rough habits,

but he says "yes ma'am" and he means it...

And he offers to carry your feed bags.

-

Makeup

Haircut

Coach bag

She only buys name brand;

a little obsessed with appearance.

...But she looks after her son.

-

Whiskers

Tobacco

Harsh voice

He's not quite clean, in multiple ways,

but he wouldn't hurt anybody...

And he looks after the kids on the streets.

-

Piercings

Mohawk

Punk rock

She seems angry and fierce,

but it's all just a front:

she rescues kittens and feeds them.

-

Labels

Stigmas

Our perceptions

We get them from warnings,

experience; life... Yet,

if only we would remember:

they are not invariably /right./

It's not you, it's me

I know I talk 

like I hate the world:

people, places, things...

Nouns and subjects, verbs and all...

That's how I talk.

I know I act

like I'm removed...

Prudish, shy, reserved.

...Like you should never love me,

hold, or touch me...

That's how I act.

I know I look

any place but 

your eyes, or hair, or face,

but honestly I want to stare;

memorize each trace.

That's why I look away.

I do not hate you, 

do not fear you;

do not wish to flee...

But I fear myself.

...I fear the quick'ning of my heart

(and so I leave you be).