2:00am

Why am I

up at 2:00am

Pretending I'm perfectly

fine

Not daring to text you

but listening to music you like

Just the same. I mean,

it's not even my type

It just makes me feel like

you're here

I should be asleep but I'm 

wide awake; lights on 

I'm not tired, just exhausted 

from replaying memories of you

And smiling at all of the

weird things you used to say

Funny how

I can barely remember to breathe

But I can remember each tap 

of your agile musician's fingers

On the desk; tabletop; whatever 

surface was handy

And how all I wanted each time

was to reach for your hand with mine

But I didn't

and I won't...

'Cause I can't 

anymore. 

Crusty Eyes

It's slow,

reversing the curse 

which stole my sight.

...But, painfully, step by step 

the seal is removed...

In comes Light.

I wished so fiercely  

to defy harsh expectations

that I sacrificed my mind...

I hated the image

of "nice" and "easy" so much

that I burnt it up.

...And I pleaded so often 

for conscience to hush, that

I finally gave it away.

Now, as crusty cement is 

removed from my lids,

I see how far I've gone...

I realize how contaminated

my thought process is...

...Can I still be of any use? 

I see, now, I crossed a line 

from "strong," to "unfeeling."

Teach me to love as You.

Yet, lashes flutter; I feel a twinge; 

a voice long-hushed, now awake...

I'm re-learning to listen.

I see now how broken, how messed 

up, I am... And I long to be cured of that 

too; thrive once more.

...Only God can open eyes --

and yeah, I mean, it hurts -- But, 

it's such a relief to see again.

You Realize

You only realize mid swing
that you've just killed a man:
as his throat spurts red 'gainst your blade, and you feel the wetness of fresh-faded life on your cheeks
.../Then/ you realize it.

You only realize mid sentence
that you've crossed a line:
as her eyes flash with fury, and you feel the heat of her hurt turn to shame on your face... You stumble to finish your piece
...Yes you've realized too late.

You only realize mid flight
that you gave up too soon:
as the clouds swiftly shroud the landscape below, and your ears commence bursting from cacophonous engines... You've left him to raise her alone.
.../Then/ guilt hits you.

You only realize mid connection
that you chose the wrong girl:
as you lose ability to ignore her flaws, and see that you just don't work -- That maybe you were a bit too willing
to paint her as perfect with make-believe brushes
...You realize, yet you're too invested.

You only realize mid trip

that you've never liked "lonely..."
As you sit on hotel bed; knees curled to your chest, and the noise of the cabs and the car horns engulf you in meaningless sound... No one here knows you or cares
...That's when you realize your want.

You only realize mid walk
that you're distant and bitter:
as disillusionment spreads through your soul, eating your heart up like cancer... God is foreign: a language you once spoke; a lover you once loved
...You realize, and pray you're not lost.

It's funny how we live life oblivious... (Or, rather, it would be funny, if it weren't so distressing)... I wonder what blinds us to consequences: to the point where present moments are all that matters...
...I wonder... (When I'm not too distracted).

Stickers.

Elderly 

Southern

Low income

But she's kind, and funny...

Making me smile as it makes her day

to browse the Salvation Army.

-

Nerdy

Peculiar

Uncomfortable

He's hard to make sense of,

to talk to... But when he lets you in, 

he's bursting with brilliance and love.

-

Eighteen

Tanned

Short shorts

She seems shallow at first,

but under the airbrushed exterior

an impeccable soul longs to shine.

-

Camo

Carhartts

Blue jeans 

He's all drawl and rough habits,

but he says "yes ma'am" and he means it...

And he offers to carry your feed bags.

-

Makeup

Haircut

Coach bag

She only buys name brand;

a little obsessed with appearance.

...But she looks after her son.

-

Whiskers

Tobacco

Harsh voice

He's not quite clean, in multiple ways,

but he wouldn't hurt anybody...

And he looks after the kids on the streets.

-

Piercings

Mohawk

Punk rock

She seems angry and fierce,

but it's all just a front:

she rescues kittens and feeds them.

-

Labels

Stigmas

Our perceptions

We get them from warnings,

experience; life... Yet,

if only we would remember:

they are not invariably /right./

It's not you, it's me

I know I talk 

like I hate the world:

people, places, things...

Nouns and subjects, verbs and all...

That's how I talk.

I know I act

like I'm removed...

Prudish, shy, reserved.

...Like you should never love me,

hold, or touch me...

That's how I act.

I know I look

any place but 

your eyes, or hair, or face,

but honestly I want to stare;

memorize each trace.

That's why I look away.

I do not hate you, 

do not fear you;

do not wish to flee...

But I fear myself.

...I fear the quick'ning of my heart

(and so I leave you be).

Empath

Dripping

Leaking

Pouring

Seeping

My mind can't hold it in

Yearning

Wanting

Aching 

Longing

To give emotion voice

Working

Trying

Straining

Striving

Yet somehow falling flat

Omnipresent 

Unceasing

Insatiable

Unyielding

Desire to bare my heart

Naked

Heaving

Throbbing

Bleeding

Beautiful, red, raw

Empty

Full

Uncertain

Sure

It is too much at once

Wild

Estranging

Insane

Changing

Hold it for me now

Heavy

Millstone

Deadened

Weight

Expression is a tort'rous fate

Screaming

Whisper

Sultry

Soft

I have so much to say

Choking

Throttled

Captive

Trapped

Help me free my soul.

Black Sky

"Wish I may,

wish I might..."

I whisper as stars fall:

trails of white-fire light.

I thought maybe 

we had a chance...

At love (at like),

at this odd dance...

But who 'm I kidding.

What did they say?

"...Ought to have known

it'd turn this way."

"Wish I may,

wish I might"

have my heart 

returned tonight.

I see it now,

but it's too late 

(and you are gone, 

at any rate).

...Wished on a star,

just to hold you...

Yet now my skies 

are slate, not blue.

"Wish I may,

wish I might,"

...But stars can't make

what's shattered right.

A shooting star,

a wish, a hope;

dashed and shattered...

Yet, I'll cope.

There is no place

for you and me...

And love is not

our destiny.

"Wish I may,

wish I might..." 

No, stars can't help 

my foolish plight.

Many stars fall

(as their design)... 

They will 

till end of time.

Yet no matter how hard I wish,

the skies will wax utterly bare...

--lose every single lasting light--

Before they heed my prayer.